In which Lizzy makes a mildly arrogant, but heartfelt diatribe

The prospect of this Sunday afternoon petrifies me. This Sunday afternoon I will move out of my parents' basement [and more importantly, out of access to free internet, free emergency transportation and free use-of-a-telephone-number], and into a two-room apartment halfway across the city. After this Sunday afternoon, I will not be bothered by Kindermusik CDs played full blast through the thin floors, or requests for babysitting when I have things to do. I am petrified.

People keep telling me that I really have nothing serious to worry about. They point out the several thousand dollars in my bank account, my good grades, my cheap rent, my general self-sufficiency. They point out that I will survive. I know. I am not in the least concerned about eating or paying rent. I am terribly concerned about the animalistic tendencies that come with spending too much time surviving.

Is there anything in the world more depressing than a human who resembles a penguin from a BBC documentary? Doing nothing but moving from food source to food source, huddling away from the cold, and procreating like mad? Is there any factor that defines a level of civilization more than the time freed up from providing for one's survival for the pursuit of pleasure and learning?

The sight of penguin people makes me sick. I can think of nothing worse than being forced, through lack of intelligence or good money management or education or ambition, to spend most of my time on a job which does not utilize my mind or involve anything interesting. It drives people crazy, or turns them in zombies, and even their little free time is wasted because they cannot enjoy anything but cheap entertainment. I am very, very afraid of this.

I am not interested in becoming disgustingly rich. I am interested in earning enough, at a job I want to work at, to not have to worry about necessary expenses, to have freedom and money to study what I want in my [considerable] free time, to socialize with people I respect and enjoy,
to not waste hours on the bus, to buy healthy food, to plan for projects, perhaps to invest. I do not plan to spend vast sums of money on big houses or cars, vacations to dull tourist resorts, ridiculous clothing, gadgets, or pure-bred animals. But I do very much want to buy as much time and lack of complication as I possibly can, so I can read a lot of books.

Which is why I am afraid of moving out on Sunday, and of the job search next week, and of deciding what to take my first degree in. In my brief experience so far it does not seem like intelligence and hard work are very employable qualities, and it does not seem like most of the people who exist are worth talking to. The things I want most to do, even in the short term, require time and a relative lack of intruding stress, and this happy circumstance will take weeks at the least to establish even in a small degree. I am determined however. Wish me luck.